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  • theaptPORTFOLIO

    theaptSHOWS

    November 24, 2014

    bed

    Walking as I ususally do on a Monday afternoon, gingerly up from Via Peschiere Vechie in my adopted town of Bologna where I had just picked up my weekly supply of cheese and thinly-sliced salumi, as per my Italian head-of-household job description, I felt a strange sensation wash over me as I approached the car, where Gina was waiting. I turned around and could have sworn I was seeing the city fold back on top of me, inception-style. I felt SO dizzy, I nearly fell over. As I got into the car and told my loving wife, the world kept turning faster and faster. Not enough sugar in my system? Impossible. Walking too fast in the cold? I don’t see how. The freaky think is that I felt no pain, anywhere. Prone as I am to Ophthalmic Migraines, which blur my vision for an hour before slamming into a pounding headache that can last for twelve, I am used to my eyes fucking with my head but this was different… Coincidentally, we were picking up the kids from school at that time and bringing our youngest (Leeloo, 8) to a nearby public hospital for an ecography long-scheduled to check on stomach pains she’d been having and when we arrived, after a few minutes of sinewy roads, I was not feeling well at all and had to lie down over multiple chairs in the waiting room, trying to breathe through what was increasingly becoming an episode of sorts. As Gina and the kids went into their test room, I attempted not to panic, which is really hard to do when you’re hyper-ventilating in a hospital. A few seconds later, I felt a hand grabbing my arm, which was covering my eyes, and saw two doctors, furrowed-browed, bending over me and asking if I was ok. I was not ok and they could see it, apparently. They called emergency personnel.

    Now, all this is happening in Italian, not my mother tongue and which I have only really so far properly acquired the all-important vocabularies of food and bathroom usage so a lot of what is going on, notwithstanding the increasingly whirling black hole my brain seems intent on taking me through, does not compute. I know that I went on a short ambulance ride, from one side of the hospital to another I suppose, to find myself alone, my family still in the test room, and in a wheelchair, trying to describe my symptoms to a busy triage nurse: “Gira la testa!” “Vertigino” “Non posso vederre qualcosa!”(Head spinning! Vertigo! I CAN’T SEE ANYTHING!) were some of my UN translator-grade gems I believe. They wrote it all down and just when I thought I was in good hands, irony of all ironies, I could feel my body completely tensing up. That is something I had never felt before and do not want to ever feel again, a tension so acute that it forced my hands into lobster claw shapes, which I could not control! Panic? Yeah, Panic. The nurse had turned her back to enter my data and was unaware of what was happening until I saw, out of the corner of my eye, Gina and the kids just entering the building, looking frantically left and right for me, and I yelled GINAAAAA! She saw me with my hands up and rushed over. At this point, I thought I was having a stroke as my entire body was stiff and my arms were stuck up in the air. She called the nurse who gave me oxygen and explained that I was having a tachycardia attack, which tends to force the body into this shape. Great. Thankfully, after a few minutes, I calmed down enough… for the vomiting to begin. Fantastic.

    I will gloss over the next few hours of visual tests, vomiting, cat scan, vomiting, blood vessel-searching, vomiting, neurological exercises, vomiting… I was finally told to shut my eyes for the foreseeable future and that I would be kept at the hospital for a few days under observation…

    ALL I WANTED WAS CHEESE AND MORTADELLA, WHAT DID I DO WRONG???!!!

    At this point, I could no longer see where I was or where I was going. Since I had been woozy since the school pickup, I didn’t even really know where in town, if in town, this hospital was and I found it really confusing to not even be able to imagine where, just even so that I could have something concrete to think about. I was transferred from wheelchair to wheelbed and taken somewhere, a room? A hallway? I had no idea. It was full of people certainly, old people screaming in Italian. Competent nurses, I suppose, tended to me, fit me with an I.V. but all I could imagine was the hospital in Born On The Fourth Of July where Ron Kovic (lil’ Tommy Cruise) is transferred after coming back and finds a leaky, rat-infested slum in which you are taken care of when there’s time. I do not recommend this imagery if you ever find yourself sight-less in a foreign hospital.

    roommate

    The next three days were a complete blur (see what I did there? Ugh, I’m tired…) The whole pee-in-a-bucket/vomit-in-another cycle was a truly wonderful experience but the best part was really at night when my roommates decided to scream for the nurses at the top of their lungs for no apparent reason. “AIUTO! SIGNORA!!” was the chorus I was treated to nightly, from who knows how many members in this choir, I still had NO idea where I was! Of course, Gina came to see me during visiting hours and that was great help, especially when she brought the kids a couple of days later. From what they would tell me, with an eye mask on, a scruffy and pale face and sunken demeanor in my reclined bed, I did not look so fresh. So they both started crying on my bed as if this was to be the last time they would see their papa… I reassured them that I just had a bad headache and that there was nothing to worry about. Then my son asked:

    Is this how God punishes atheists?

    I let out such a loud laugh, my first since the whole thing began, that he saw that I was ok. I told him that no, it was just an inflammation in the eighth nerve behind my ear canal, not divine punishment. And although I am slightly disappointed that my attempt at secular upbringing has obviously failed, I was indeed told that I have Vestibular Neuritis, an infection of the aforementioned nerve which can supress one’s sense of equilibrium within a few minutes, as it did me. Just stunning. I was told that with proper treatment and diligent rehabilitation, I would be back to normal in about a month.

    So I stayed in there, Gina brought me some headphones and I discovered, and easily got up to date with, Serial, slowly took off my mask and even, on the last day, got reacquainted with solid foods. Italian hospital food, I must tell you, even though I only had the strength to take a bite or two, was fucking DELICIOUS. Risotto? Grana mashed potatoes?! Made me want to live again!

    food

    Finally, on Friday and after an extensive new battery of tests, they told me that I could do at home anything they were doing here and that I could go if I wanted. I wanted. Now armed with brand new emergency room vocabulary, I slowly and carefully packed my bag, waiting for Gina to pick me up. I asked for whatever checkout papers I needed so that she could review them before signing and paying and after about two hours, they came. Except, no bill, just prescriptions… Yup, five days in the hospital, tests, food, even a cat scan, all for zero dollars. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to whether this burden borne by the government, and most certainly dragging it down, is worth the ease of care but I must say, when you’re caught in the middle, it’s hard to argue with it.

    I cannot even explain the roller coaster that was the ride back home but I have now returned, still dizzy and scheduling an MRI for tomorrow so that I am absolutely sure that there is no neurological damage but I am told the extreme symptoms should subdue this week to transition into a milder version for the next two and finally disappear by the end of December. You might have noticed that perhaps my spelling, syntax or grammar is not quite up to snuff and now you know why… All in all, this should be no biggie and I will be back delivering cured meats and macerated grapes to my stomach soon, God willing…

    April 4, 2014

    i arrived in new york city in september 1989 from france with little idea about what america would be like; more importantly, with no idea how i might fit into this “grand experiment.” little did i know that over a decade before my unboarding from AF008, a man had made it onto the airwaves who would cushion the cultural blow i was about to receive, that man, i and millions of others would welcome into their living rooms, dens and beds, we would simply call Dave.

    my nightly routine back then was to settle in front of my tv at 11:30 with a box full of entenmann’s cookies (which by the way were not labeled “original recipe” back then because they were the original recipe!) and a carton of whole milk, something unheard of in my native land, to woof along arsenio hall as he introduced mariah carey to an unsuspecting world. that’s right, i woofed. and i am not ashamed. but the real reason was to keep me well fed and awake for the main event at 12:30, way past my bedtime… i was literally on the edge of my seat when waiting for bill wendel‘s special nightly intro or, better yet, the rare cold open…

    seemingly so removed from himself to really enjoy or take his job too seriously, Dave was a man of my time, enjoying the kind of wit and self-awareness i had heretofore only seen the Pythons display in order to elevate droning bbc interviews. see, on top of this post, what he was doing with steve martin in 1980? that is something seth meyer’s kids will never be able to come up with and deliver in such a skillful manner whenever it is they take over late night… but it wasn’t just the funnies, it was the comfort he filled his room with and by extension, ours. he had always said he played to the studio audience first so that we wouldn’t feel the pressure of being entertained but rather look in on something special happening somewhere else. and if the recent tragedy of reality television invading our screens morning till night is anything to go by, we LOVE peeking into something special happening somewhere else.

    by the time his first guest appeared, with cookie crumb all over myself and spit-taking milk, he had me wrapped around his little finger and could take me anywhere. from jack hannah to larry “bud” melman, from thrill cams to the roof from which all manners of explosions would take place, he introduced me to the rules and regulations of a country whose humor would be soon like his, witty, clever, dry and, perhaps above all, honest in the moment. they may have been introduced to the american public in other places but Dave introduced me to bill murray, to jerry seinfeld, to steve martin, to crispin glover, to bill hicks, to frank zappa, to harvey pekar, to george carlin, to andy kaufman and to, yes, jay leno. and through those people and their interaction with Dave, i learned how americans behave, what made them laugh, what gave them pause, what made them angry.

    it is often said that we here in america somewhat take our cues about how to feel about certain events in the world from public figures on television, to see what they, arguably more expressive about their feelings than we are, think about something before we form an opinion of our own. certainly, it was true on september 19th 2001 when dave came back on the air to sum up how we all felt, lost, disoriented and confused yet resolved to go on. if the funny man could be that thoughtful, we could be too…

    but i have to leave some stories out for when he actually dies so let me stop there. he was there from the time i landed till now and, like most habits, good and bad, he will be hard to shake.

    April 16, 2013

    girl

    can there ever be peace? can we ever get along? is it possible for israeli not to go after palestinians, for north koreans not to go after south koreans, for taliban not to go after who is not like them, for us not to go after who we don’t approve of? sadly, probably not before pepsi stops going after coke… everyday, as near as we may live next to others, we don’t really live with them, we cohabitate. it seems that we merely tolerate the presence of other life forms and mostly think about how we can stand on their shoulders in order to appear a little bit taller. whether we choose to eat them, display them in zoos, or try to go after their position, which we believe should have been granted to us, always we seem not to desire to exist together but to win. and win what? success? money? a v.i.p. seat in whatever you call heaven? i know our social contract wasn’t signed long ago but should we not have learned by now that toleration, at the very least, must lead the way to understanding? but that seems to be a tough request, whether the “other” cuts us off on the highway or represents different patriotic ideals.

    to achieve any form of peace, we must try interaction and leave reaction to the birds, we must try empathy and leave apathy to vultures, we must try because if we don’t, there will soon be none of us left. we must try because if we don’t, every generation, as it has for the past five thousand years, will sadly continue to have to explain to their children that our species does not learn from its mistakes. if we consider ourselves superior, let’s start acting superior, by learning humility, by being the bigger man, by embracing ourselves. pepsi, your move…

    December 17, 2012

    oped-new7

    imagining the unimaginable as a parent is thinking about not having to get your child ready for school on a sleepy monday morning through no lazyness of your own but because their lives were snatched away by a madman. as scolded as my wife and i routinely get by our kids’ teachers for so rarely getting them to school on time, i have to admit that today, we feel little to no qualms about dressing, feeding and squeezing them slowly and for a bit longer, emailed late-note be damned. to think that 20 sets of parents have to break the routine of hurrying their children along as they brush their teeth, pick out outfits and serve bowls of cereals this morning… my heart breaks as my tears muddle my shirt imagining that which i cannot, going on living without which has giving meaning to my last 10 years on this earth.

    mourning is not enough, action must be taken to care about those for whom life feels too hard to bear before they snatch another life. i have nothing more profound to say on the matter, no prescription, no advice to soothe even my mind, so sad i feel… let’s find a way back this week, together please.

    November 16, 2012

    the otherworldly juxtaposition of bossanova and the “iron dome” missile interception system in this clip from an israeli wedding is blowing my mind. and that’s very close to not being a metaphor… it is friday, the day we’re supposed to thank a lord of some sort for having allowed us to “survive” a work week presumably filled with “torture” such as returning that phone call to management, dealing with ann or working the extra hours necessary to do the job reasonably well, you know, torture. i’m sure that’s how both sides of gaza are thinking about their friday right now, i’m sure. a spark has been stricken, let’s hope the wind, or prevailing minds, put it out.

    November 2, 2012

    wow, i’m not feeling so tops today… maybe it’s because the kids haven’t had school all week and they have sapped my will to live or because i feel a little weird having electricity, internet and risotto while so many are hurting nearby. either way, maybe a little 90s-style joey bada$$ can help. maybe. doubt it though. please, all of you stay safe and a have a (re)constructive weekend.